Happiness can be shattered with one word
by Linguistic Hope
Summary: When Alex gets a diagnosis that shatters her world. Will she be able to hide it from the team? (All the season eight team will be in this)
1. Chapter 1

Alex rested her pounding head on her arms which laid on the oak veneer desk. Closing her eyes. Against the harsh lighting of the BAU. Migraines were a rapidly increasing occurrence in her life. She simply wrote the migraines off as a back lash of lifestyle changes that had slipped in to place. Things like skipping her meals and sleeping less; 'The migraines that were progressively worse.

But the team had noticed the small yet obvious changes. The change that had most definitely been picked up by the team how Alex seemed like she was off her game, and not taking part in discussions about cases that the team was talking about. This seemed to be getting more and more frequent, which only solved to cause the team to worry about the brunette agent more.

The team stood on the cat walk, whispering about one of them making a futile effort to ask Alex if she was okay, knowing full well that she would brush them off with 'I'm fine' just like she always did.  
Nonetheless, Hotch calmly walked over to Alex and placed a hand on her shoulder, frowning softly "Blake?" his once soft frown deepened when she winced softly as Alex sat up and her eyes seemed to flicker around without being able to focus, as if she had blurred vision. "Alex. what's wrong?' Hotch tried taking a slightly different approach with the woman.

When Alex looked up to meet the owner of the hand that rested on her back, a sharp wince escaping as she opened her eyes and looked up. Being met with a mass of blurs. Only being able to identify the owner by the cologne and the voice. It was Hotch.

When Alex responded to his question, her words slurred slightly. Which most certainly did not go unnoticed by Hotch, who by now was contemplating taking Alex to the ER. It was clear that she couldn't see him, and her words slurring sent alarms bells ringing in his head; Loud incessant alarm bells

"Alex we ought to get you checked ou-" Hotch was cut of mid sentence by Alex standing up and after a few stumbling steps, and walking in to the desk, she ran rather clumsily to the toilet. Quite often Alex's pain got so bad, she would throw up and today was no different. She dropped to her knees and emptied her coffee filled stomach in to where she hoped the toilet bowl was; luckily for her, it was

With ever growing concern, Hotch followed Alex with a agile run. A small part of his heart broke as he saw her body shaking violently as she retched. Kneeling by her side. He swept her hair out of the way with one hand and used the other to rub her back even though he could feel the embarrassment seeping out of her "I'm the only one in here, I'll just tell the team, you had a lipstick emergency' although he wasn't a light hearted person, he was desperate to comfort her and also to see if she might just open up to him. As the retches turned to equally painful, dry heaves, Alex exhaled shakily and flushed the toilet, after feeling around the handle first, her vision only tended to blur when the pain got unbearable as she stood, Alex swayed in before she fainted onto a now standing Hotch who swiftly caught a rather light Alex and held her bridal style.

"Blake, I'm going to take you to the ER. I know that you don't want too. But this has gone too far. You can't even seen me, so i am going to carry you" most of her migraines caused her body to shut down in to what could best be classed as hibernation. She'd sleep till something woke her.

Without too many people seeing her. As Hotch got to his car, He managed to get his keys out, and carefully sit her in the front seat, fastening the belt over her limp body. Worry had stained his dark brown eyes.

Within seconds, he'd shut her door and gotten in to his side. And starting to race to the hospital, totally disregarding all speed laws.

Arriving at Spring palm hospital in record time, He soon had Alex back in his arms, as he jogged in to the ER. When he picked her up, she didn't so much as stir, now this was very odd, even Hotch knew that Alex was the lightest sleeper, imaginable.

The nurse caught sight of the ID card that hung from the lapel of her blazer. Two doctors running over to the pair with a rattling trolley. Hotch barely set her on the bed as ugly bars snapped up, stopping Alex from rolling off the bed.

"Sir, the nurse needs some details about your agent and i will come out as soon as we have any news"

Hotch nodded, his face stoic once again, as he answered all 0f the nurses questions. Before updating the worried team, and making sure they would continue to work especially as Alex would hate everyone fussing over her. Once he hung up, Hotch began to pace the small and grim room that he had to wait in. wait to find out what was causing one of his best agent to decline

Although he was only waiting for 3 hours. he was sure it was 3 years. As the sound of footsteps approaching him, before the doctor had a chance to speak, Hotch had spun around and stood to attention; Much like a solder would.

The doctor let a thick sigh out, the man was clearly worried about Alex however he couldn't say a word as Alex had told him not to tell Hotch about the large mass on her brain, The mass that had been causing her the migraines, her slurring speech, Blurred vision and also her lack of appetite

"Sir, Im afraid i can't tell you anything about Mrs Blake, She has asked me not too" The doctor explained quietly


	2. Chapter 2

Alex felt like she couldn't breathe, MRI had flagged up a large mass on her brain. an inoperable tumor. It was most likely cancer. Yet Alex had refused to share the information and asked the doctor to do the same. It was her life. And she planned to work as much as she could. whether that was another 40 years or if it was a year. she would stay wondering until three days after the biopsy which was booked for 4 days time. One week. in one week she would know whether she had cancer or whether she would simply have to cope with migraines.

Hotch walked in to Alex's room. Smiling when he saw her curled up on her side, Sleeping but just as he expected, the moment he did walk in, her eyes began to open. With a gentle sigh, He opted to sit on the edge of the bed rather than the chair. Alex eased herself up, she'd been given painkillers. Which had helped her head.

"Blake, what did the doctor say? if it's going to keep effecting you at work, then i need to know, to keep you and the team safe..." Although Hotch was being firm with her, his voice carried a hint of softness. Alex sighed softly. "It's nothing. I'm fine" her voice was much firmer. now that her pain was manageable. Her vision was crisp and her words eloquent. swinging her bare legs over the bed. Alex stood up in her hospital gown. pulling the ECG leads off her body. She was going back to work, no matter how much Hotch disliked that.

With a light glare in his direction, she headed into the bathroom with a plastic bag containing her belongings. Coming back out minutes later. Fully dressed

Hotch stood to the left of the door. He didn't belive for one second that she was fine. "Blake.. You need wait to be discharged" Alex's eyes snapped up to meet his, darkening ever so slightly "I am fine and I am going back to work even if I have to walk there" Alex crossed her arms over her chest. The famous 'Blake death stare' on her face. Hotch opened his mouth to tell her otherwise but he knew if he had any chance of getting her to open up to him then he would have to let Alex get her way; as long as she didn't endanger anyone. That also included her own life.

"Alright Blake, let's head back to work, and we will grab a Starbucks on the way" Hotch held her eye contact, even though she was acting strong, deep within her dark eyes. He could see pain.

Alex allowed her shoulders to relax, her arms falling down to her side, causing the bottle of pills in her blazer to rattle like a box of tic tacs which in turn caused Hotch to raise a single eyebrow. Yet he didn't mention it. Alex gave him a small grateful smile. with a hint of surprise. she had not expected him to let her get her way especially without a fight.

Not a single word was shared between the pair as they walked out to the car park. As they got outside, Alex stopped and looked around the car park, Not knowing where the car until Hotch pointed out to her. Which caused an embarrassed blush to dance up her cheeks, as she rather quickly got in to the front passenger seat and fastened her belt. Every movement of Alex's seemed rather robotic. Alex knew exactly what she would do. she planned to work as much as she possibly could. Alex Blake did not sit around and mope. She faced her problems head on... well actually she ignored them till they had to be sorted out. Alex's slience rather concerened Hotch. He had tried a few times to start some sort of converstation however her replies were short and clippped. Even as they pulled up to the drive-thru starbucks,, she didn't look up from her hands. Nor did she reply to him asking what coffee she wanted. leaving him to order her normal; He assumed that was what she would want

Sliping the large cups in to the holders, he contemplated taking her home, but he knew she wouldn't stay there and if she was at work himself and multiple others could keep an eye on her.

Alex didn't notice the cup nor when he pulled in to the parking garage. She was far to deep in her thoughts to pay attention anything out side of her own being. "Blake... we are back and your coffee is in the cup holder" Hotch sighed softly wishing she would let hm in and allow someone to help her.

"Oh, urm thank you. My purse is inside so I will pay you back later" Alex looked up and removed her cup with a shaking hand and she got the car without another word before she walked in to the lift and pushed the correct button, her nails had a perfect manicure this morning but now it was chipped from her fiddling fingers.

Hotch took the stairs up to the bullpen, gathering the team with the exception of Alex.

"Look, we need to keep an eye on Alex"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three

Alex had not been home since she discharged herself from the hospital. She had worked for hours on end, Hotch left at his normal time, never attempting to persuade her to go home knowing it would be futile. He knew that rather easily he could get Garcia to hack in to Alex's medical history. However that was invading her privacy thus losing the little trust she had in him,

When Alex knew she was truly alone in the dim bullpen that was only illuminated by the glow of the desk light and computer screen. She would take her bottle of rum out of her lowest desk drawer, taking large bitter mouthfuls, feeling the burning sensation spread throughout her desk, numbing her frayed emotions.

Alex was not much of a drinker. She simply enjoyed good quality alcohol from time to time. Yet despite this she had a rather high tolerance. But the past two nights she drunk an entire bottle each night, lucky for her, she only kept two in her desk which meant by the end of the second night, she had run out

And after she ran out at about quarter to twelve. She then had to be nil by mouth as her biopsy was in 10 hours. A section of her hair was to be shaved off and then then cut to expose her skull would be made. Her brain would be dug through and a sample of the tumour would be removed so that it could be tested, The risk of stroke, bleeding on the brain niggled at her however she also had been told there was a risk of diminished mental capacity if any areas of her brain were damaged during the biopsy and she knew if that happened, she wouldn't be able to work, She would potentially be dependent on a carer, doing the simple and complex tasks that everyday life entailed. And to her, that wasn't a life. that was simply existing in the world

"Stop it Alex! thinking like this isn't going to help" Alex muttered as she walked to her car, leaving her desk which was much like a safety blanket behind. However, her handbag contained a large amount of files. She was aware that she would be unable to come in during the day when the team was there so if she was aware enough to drive, she would come in at night to get more files and put the completed ones in the needed places. She had stayed in her white shirt and pant suit teamed with sleek designer heels. She didn't see point in changing when she'd be in a hospital gown, She had changed at 3 in the morning for the past two days. After she turned the key in the ignition so that the engine purred to life and she fastened her seatbelt with shaking hands, before she pulled out of the parking garage and on to the road, which was already beginning to fill with morning commuters. By the time Alex was walking in to the neurosurgery ward, she had completely shut of each and every emotion in her body as if emotions were available on tap. Due to the fact she was booked for the first appointment of the day, Alex was taken straight to a small clinic room next to the OR. As the operation was explained to her, she didn't really listen to any word he had said. She knew what was going to happen before the words had even come out his mouth, Changing in to the dreaded and flimsy hospital gown. Alex ran her fingers through her long, dark and silky locks that she would soon be styling to cover the wound and bald patch

She was going to do this alone and in private. It was her life and her body at that.

Before she knew it, Alex was laying on a poor excuse for a bed with a cannula in her right hand

As she laid staring at the off white ceiling, a admittedly good looking anaesthetist came in to her field of vision and spoke "We are going to put you under now Mrs Blake" then the mask that stunk of anaesthetic came over her mouth and nose, she felt herself drifting off in to darkness. The last thought in her mind before the darkness drowned her was this

"I am going to die"


	4. Chapter 4

Once Alex was under the general anaesthetic, they quickly intubated her and attached ECG leads to her torso. As the rattly trolley was wheeled in to the brightly lit operating room, a blue sterile sheet was laid over her body. While the lead surgeon elevated her head, beginning section the correct part of her hair to shave off , long chocolate locks falling to the floor "Did you hear that she is a federal agent? Its always the good guys that seem to suffer the things that they quite simply don't deserve" He spoke with a slight sadness in his deep, northern Louisiana accent, the Californian anaesthetist looked up from his place at her side as he monitored her. Nodding softly. It was then the biopsy began, progressing without any complications which meant within 2 hours. It was complete and with her head in a bright white bandage that seamlessly blended in to the pillow that had her dark brown locks fanned out on the starch fabric. The fabric of the deceiving pillow, that looked as soft as as newborns skin however a brick would surely be softer. As her eyes, rather groggy fluttered open, they immediately shut again. The glaring lights, stabbing at the throbbing pain in her head. Without even feeling she could feel the bandage rubbing against her head, the mask pressing against her face. However the mask didn't remain on her face for much longer, for Alex reached up and pull the mask off with a defiant flick of her slender wrist. Allowing the mask to drop on to the scratchy blue blanket; the shade of blue that made each patient seem paler.

The next time her eyes fluttered open which was about three hours later, the cruel blinding light was obsured by her surgeon

"Welcome back, Ms Blake. The operation went as well as we could have hoped. How are you feeling? You probably have a headache, we can give you another dose of morphine if you wish" He asked in a soft tone.

If Alex wasn't quite so out of it, then he would have been on the receiving end of her famous death glare, of course she had a headache, she had a tumour and her brain had just been cut in to, so of course she had a bloody headache.

"No, I don't want morphine. I want to leave"

Alex muttered. Attempting to be stern with the man but not quite succeeding in that moment he was being particularly annoying by picking up the wretched mask and placing it back on her

"Okay, if you change your mind then just say however you can't leave for a couple of days at the very least and even then we would strongly advise against working and driving for a few weeks especially in your line of work.

However before the words had left his mouth, he could tell, that his rather stubborn patient, was not the type to rely on anyone. And that she would be leaving her under her own steam.

"I am not missing work or not driving for any length of time, and if I need to discharge myself I will"

Alex now had a rather muffled voice and she knew damn well, that she was being a bitch.

Alex's eyes looked away from the doctor and down to the Iv that was nestled on the back of her hand

"discharging yourself is not a good idea ms. Blake, you have just had brain surgery"

He spoke, perching on the edge of her bed, stubborn patients were the worse, and quite often they would end up back in hospital worse then they had previously been

"It's my choice" Alex said simply, before easing herself in to a sitting postion, gritting her teeth as the room spun around her. After a few moments of sitting on the edge of the so called bed.

As her bare feet hit the cold floor, she picked the 'patient belongings' bag, and walked much like a zombie in to the nearest toilet. So that she could get dressed in to outfit that her hand bag contained; That was one of the perks of being skinny, she could easy fit an outfit and most of the time that included a jacket as she wasn't the type to wear a thick coat, she mostly wore, blazers, and fabric jackets, occasionally spicing it up with a leather jacket, however this was minus shoes, mainly as much like her clothing, Alex's shoes were designer and therefore expensive. And in actual fact. With the exception of a pair of running trainers, Alex didn't own any flats. And contrary to common belief, Alex ran every morning, albeit, she used the gym in her apartment, mainly because /No one/ out side of a edited advert or fashion shoot looked good running.

Yes. Alex Blake, like many other women and of course men, she was self conscious.

But fully dressed again, Alex winced sharply as she removed the bandage, sighing at the dressing on her head, swapping her parting so that her hair fell over dressing, meaning that no one would notice.

She knew that work simply was out of the question, they'd guess something was up a heartbeat. She would have to sneak in at night to return completed files and get new ones. Just until the staples came out at least. Signing the self discharge against medical advice, before returning to her car and driving home to her luxurious penthouse that she had brought a few months ago when she divorced James

Alex placed the files on to her beautifully made bed, with the softest, fluffest blankets as well as the cosiest duvet. Her penthouse was modern, bright, airy. Each room was white but it had accents of colour. So her room had pinks, to name one room. Setting her laptop next to the brown card files. She had no interest in food or infact anything that would end up in her stomach.

After she sat on her bed, she had fallen asleep before she could even pick a file up

the days she had to wait for her results, passed beyond slowly, replying to any texts from her team with a simple {I am fine, I shall be back as soon as I have finished helping scotts pregnant girlfriend} and although she lied, that was going to become more and more common if she was positive

On the day the letter arrived, Alex opened the creamy letter, staring down at it in utter disbelief


End file.
